A Seat at the Table
It was bound to happen. The battle of the mean girls came to a head on yesterday. Unfortunately, but fortunately, I had to assert myself. Maybe not in the most professional way, but yeah, it happened.
When I first got here, I hung out with a lady that was also from Greensboro. We connected, mainly because of the back home familiarity as well as the fact that we were both navigating this new terrain. However, after a couple of months I began to distance myself because, simply put, I did not like her energy. That's it, that's all. This is big for me because normally I need a reason or an occurrence to end a relationship, "something" had to happen. I learned from my therapist that "everyone does not have the right to sit at your table; I get to choose." That lesson has been very valuable for me since being here. I have stood in that knowing more now than ever.
I have also had to pull out one of my old teaching lessons, "Don't smile until Christmas." As a new teacher I was taught that. Meaning, don't get too friendly with your students too early. Focus on setting expectations, boundaries, routines, etc. at the beginning of the year. In the classroom it’s hard to tighten up but you can always loosen up. That applies in prison too. When I came in I was not concerned about being "nice" I focused on being respected, gaining influence, and having impact. PERIOD! I was not worried about the resting bitch face that I have carried all my life. I wasn’t even focused on speaking to everyone that I saw or engaging in conversations. I got that from my mama and used that to my advantage. I moved with intention, but at the same time with integrity.
Needless to say, yesterday the opportunity for me to assert myself arrived and I did not back down to the invitation. As I mentioned in the my last blog, a poster was ripped from the walls. Well, I think I failed to mention that the person who did it was my former bunkie who I am still cool with and who my current bunkie considers her sister. And the lady whose poser it was is the same lady I used to hang with from Greensboro. There has been tension between them for quite some time and that all came to a head. As I was walking to the computer I saw the lady from Greensboro speaking with a group of women. I could tell she was upset, I can only assume it was about the poster, but I am not sure. As I walked past the group she stated, "And that one right there too." Referring to me. In that moment I had to make a decision whether to continue to walk or to turn around and address her. Keep in mind I was alone and in a common area. Well, in true Sharita fashion, I turned around and asked her if she was speaking to me or about me. I preceded to tell her that if she wanted to talk to me she knew were I lived, in room 331. A few moments later, as I was walking down the hall, I saw her alone and again in true Sharita fashion I walked up to her and asked her if she had a problem with me. She stated that she did not have an issue with me but with the people I was with. I assume she was referring to my old bunkie. I proceeded to tell her that she needed to talk to those people, and again if she needed to talk to me, I lived in room 331.
Yesterday was the end of it for me. I established my boundary and expectation for how someone would treat me. I also further affirmed who I do and do not want at my table. The whole incident reminded me of when I was in middle school. Dealing with mean girls and bullies. We did not call it that back then, but that’s what it was. I was always told to be the bigger person, to stay out of trouble, to not fight back or assert myself. Over the years I adopted a lot of passive and passive aggressive behaviors which were actually trauma responses. No more! Those were the behaviors of young Sharita, the little girl and teenager who cared too much about what other people thought about me, who didn’t feel as though her feelings or opinions mattered. In my journey to freedom, I release myself from those old ways of thinking. When my little girl shows up to play, I reassure her that she is safe and there is nothing to be afraid of. Grown woman Sharita knows her worth and her power. I stand in that unapologetically and I know that I don't have to allow any and everyone to sit at my table.
