Can I Curse?
This morning I woke up to the funniest email. It was from my mom saying that Vanessa has asked her permission to do something...curse. She told momma that Mary had given her permission to curse, of course, lol, but for some reason, she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Momma told her she did not have to ever curse, but Ness insisted that she needed to. Meanwhile, Zo is going around the house saying "fuck this!" Oh, the polarity. The email was so funny that I had to call him to hear all about it. I laughed and then I cried. My laughter came from the joy and innocence of a young child who is contemplating whether or not to use profanity. My tears came from the fact that I am not home to have those conversations with her myself. These are the moments I miss. These are the memories I miss creating with my family.
After the email and call, I went straight to my journal to process my feelings. While writing I remember a question that my reverend sent me the first week I arrived here. She asked me to think about what I thought about my family, along with some other things. I immediately felt like my response to that question was unveiled. What I now know about my family is...they love me more than I ever knew. And when I talk about "family" I am also including my friends who are now like my family. There is not a day that has gone by that I have not received an email, a package, a letter, something from my family. So much so that the guard in the mailroom told me today that I need to slow down on my packages. Whatever hater! LOL!
I now know the memories and moments are priceless and often free. In the past, I focused so much on providing material "things" for my family that I missed a lot of moments. I missed moments of conversations where my innocent children wanted to ask me for permission to do things like curse. I spent so much time working, building businesses, and seeking degrees to get me better paying jobs so that I could provide. This came at a cost. It cost me some memories.
What I now know is when I get home I plan to make a lot of memories and to create and cherish a lot of moments; small and big. To hug more. To have more conversations. To explore the work more. To lay together more and do nothing but feel the warmth of each other's bodies and toes wiggling. Those are the moments you miss. And those are the moments I will not miss going forward.
