Confidence and Connection
This week, I have felt myself getting anxious. I have so many dreams and plans for what I want to do when I get out and I feel like I am ready to go and get moving. That is probably one of the most frustrating things, not being able to execute, especially for someone like me. I can tell that I am anxious because I use food to cope with stress and anxiety; I always have and I found myself doing it this week. I binged on oatmeal creme pies, stuffing my feelings with food, an old habit I am still working to release.
A couple of days ago I wrote this question, "what can I be doing now to prepare for my release?" I even asked someone else that question. But, this morning while I was working out, I decided to ask God. "God, what is it that I can do today to prepare me for my tomorrow?" This is what I got. "Confidence and connection." Boom!
For what God is about to do, I have to come out of hiding, out of my comfort zone. Anything that is keeping me from being able to fully show up has to be addressed now. I know exactly what that is. Even though I have lost a good bit of weight since being here, I am not where I desire to be, not where I feel confident. I was talking with my girls last night and they said they wanted me to hang out with them more when I get out. One of the things that I struggled with before was body image. I hated getting dressed up because I was not confident in how I looked. Coming to prison has really helped me a lot with that, but I still struggle. So, that is an area that I can address here and now. God told me that for what He was about to do I couldn't hide behind my clothes or other people. He needs me ready and willing to stand front and center. I will not be able to spend hours dreading what I am about to wear or avoidant of cameras. Front and center. Confident. Bold.
On my call with one of my girls they told me that they (all of my girls) were discussing the fact they want to me hang out with them when I get home. I desire to do that as well. I cannot allow my lack of confidence to keep me from enjoying my children and them having experiences with me any longer. The other day I was speaking with a young lady who said she never took her kids to Disney because she was afraid she could not fit in the ride seats. I relate with this feeling so much because I too have avoided going places or doing certain things with my children because of my lack of confidence.
I must also be connected. God needs my full attention. He needs me to be tapped in and tuned into my Source, Him. Void of the distractions in my mind. Void of the bullshit and stories of lack and limitation. She that has ears let her hear. I must listen intently and intentionally. So what does that look like? Mediate more. Journal more. Wholeheartedly. Pray more. Pray often. Sit in nature. Listen to what He's telling me, because the universe is always speaking.
So, there is nothing I need to "do." This journey to freedom is about who I need to "be." I say yes! A resounding YES! Confidence and connection...LETS GO GOD!
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2:00pm: I just got off the phone with my mother, who I could tell was very upset. She shared with me some pretty devastating news. A close relative is ill and the prognosis is not good at all. This has been my worst nightmare. I prayed so hard that I could make it through my entire bid and return home to find everyone okay. Well, that is not the case. I see it all the time in here, but until this point I have been able to avoid anything too jarring, other than the loss of my dog. I just pray that I can get home soon so I can be with my family, especially with my mother. She needs me more now than ever because my mom does not handle some things well. Time is fun. It moves slow but fast at the same time. In an instant, in a matter of a phone call, things can change. God please cover my family. Ase'
8:13pm: All day I have felt like I was in a daze; brain fog is real. I tried to support myself by talking to my old bunkie about what was going on with my family member, but I think I just need to have a good old cry. It is about an hour before count. I am going to change my clothes, get in my bed and just cry. Yep...I am over here planning my breakdown (ode to Jill Scott). My heart is heavy tonight. I think I had two more cream pies, so I need to do something to release my pain in a healthy way. In order to do so, I am choosing to cry.
Add to all of this the fact that my old bunkie had a visit with her sister this weekend. This was the first time she has seen her in almost six years. Although she acts like a tough, hardcore badass, she is emotional today as well as tired, and little cranky. We spent a few hours talking about her family and my family. We both had a full weekend and both needed support. I’m glad to have her with me through this journey.
