I Am. I Am Not.
Last weekend a few ladies celebrated the birthday of one of my friends. Essentially, we ate dinner together. This is typical of prison celebrations. We also hung out with the birthday girl and talked and played games. Of course it was not a campus wide event. It was only for a few of her special friends and associates. I guess the word spread that certain people were or were not invited and this caused some feelings to be hurt. IDK. But, what I can say is that women are super petty and some of the fights and arguments that ensue here are absolutely childish; think middle school girls. You have a building full of cliques, mean girls, bullies, gossipers, etc. It is, at times, pretty amusing, at other times, it is appalling and irritating. I personally have gotten through the mingling stage (the stage where you hang with different people until you land on your tribe). My preference is to roll like the only child that I am. Solo. And if I am with anyone, it is one or two at the most but never with any one person all the time. That is just how I have chosen to do my time. With me.
Tonight I had a chance to spend some time in the library with one of my friends that was working. The library can be like a little club on Fridays. She has a book called The Burn Book. It asks you questions about yourself and once you finish the book you are supposed to burn it. Tonight we used the questions in the book as discussion topics. I was all into it because I love deep, meaningful conversations. Being here has really made me realize the type of relationships I value and want to cultivate in my life. I don't like surface stuff. Time out for a bunch of gossip and nonsense. I love to hear about people's passions, their stories, what sets their souls on fire. The type of conversation we had in the library was right up my alley. We only got to one question/topic because the first question was so deep. It was:
I am_____
I am not____
It took me a little bit of thinking, but my answer was:
I am unsure.
I am not just the super polished professional everything thinks I am.
I am unsure at times about what my purpose is. What is it that I really came here to do? At times I think I know, but other times I do not. Since I am a multi-passionate individual, I like a lot of things. I have done a lot of things. I have experience with a lot of things. I am a creative. So I love to create ish. Therefore, it is challenging for me to land on one thing in life. That leads me to believe that I should bank on myself. On all my interests and passions.
I am not just this super professional, uptight nerd that everyone thinks I am. Even here people say things like…"you seem like you have it all together," "you are so sophisticated," "you are smart," and "I feel like I need to be quiet and Zen when I am around you." I don't always know how to take that because that is just one aspect of me. I think I have worn that mask so long that I really don’t know how to take it off.
There is so much more to me. I love to dance. I love live music. I love to laugh. I can be really silly and childish at times. Needless to say, my journey of self discovery is still in process. Daily, I am working towards gaining my freedom. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well.
