I WANT OUT!

I am not going to lie, I am ready to go home. For some reason this past week has been really challenging. This morning I set the intention of staying present in the moment, trying not to be anxious, but I feel like I have failed. It seems like the harder I try the harder it is. I am over this whole experience. I know there are lessons that I am supposed to learn still, but at this point, I AM OVER IT! I WANT OUT!!!

I think the most challenging part of this journey is really connecting with people. I will admit I am a deep dive. Some may think that I am an overthinker, but I beg to differ. I think that I just see life differently, as does everyone. Therefore, a lot of surface-level stuff really does not mean a lot to me. I don't care about what officers are working or who said what to who. I’m not even interested in what is happening on the most popular reality show. Hell, I don't even watch tv. I miss the deep, thought-provoking conversations with my friends and family. I miss that the most. 

I know I am in my feelings a little this week because the holidays are approaching. I just want to zip right through them because I want to be at home with my family. Seeing them on the video visit today really made me sad. I hate that my conversations with them are reduced to fifteen-minute phone calls and 25-minute videos. I want to be there. I want to hug and touch them. I want to laugh and cry in person. 

My last bunkie has been telling me over the past couple of days that she has not slept since I left. Her words to me were, "I am really struggling." I think I thought I was okay, but now I am thinking that I am not. Actually, I am not thinking it...I am not okay. The disruption and room change messed with my comfort and security. Right when I was getting settled and in a flow...BOOM! Change occurred. I know one thing, I will never put myself in a position to allow someone else to control everything about me, where I sleep, what I wear, what I eat, when, and how I communicate. NEVER AGAIN! My sentence is short in comparison to other people, but this time for me feels like an eternity. There is but so much reading and working out that I can do. I WANT OUT!!! 

"God give me the patience to stay the course. Give me the fortitude to stand in integrity and truth. Shift my faulty thinking so that I may see what lessons you would have me to learn. Support me in staying present in the current moment as it is the only one that I am promised. Remind me when I forget that you would never put more on me than I can bare. God, I want to bloom where I am planted. I am a reflection of your light even in a dark place, a living example of your divinity. Bring me back, Oh Lord, to the truth of who I am when I forget. Bring me back to this moment, which is all that I have. This I humbly pray. I let it be so. And so it is. Ase'. Amen."