Temporary Release

My anxiety is increasing by the day as I prepare to leave on a furlough. I now see what those who were going home for good were talking about. There is the fear of something happening, something changing at the last minute, and your opportunity being taken. There are the thoughts about how you will adjust to the outside and how others will receive you. There is also a feeling of missing what is going on back at the prison, even though you do not want to be there. This has become my home for the past seven months and these ladies have become my family. I think my biggest fear is the fear of going home and having to leave again. I just pray that it does not cause a huge disruption for me or my family, especially my youngest. 

I am proud of myself though. Instead of doing what I have done in the past, which is to overeat and stuff my feelings, I decided to workout and journal. This is definitely a skill that I acquired since being here. So if nothing else good comes out of this experience, this new way of handling stress may save my life.

My probation office completed my home visit on yesterday. This is one of the first steps that happens in preparation for release. Things are starting to get real. As expected, things went okay, so the paperwork for my transfer should be complete soon and then my case manager will begin preparing my release plan. 

I am ready to go, not just on this furlough but home for good, period. Unlike a lot of the ladies here who remind us daily, sometimes multiple times a day, that they are ready to go home, I rarely say those words. I do my time in silence and I have tried to make the best of this situation. However, yesterday I finally said, "I am ready to go." This situation has been a testament of my faith and preparedness. I am excited about my life after lockup, LOL! I have a stronger sense of who I am and whose I am. My path has been made clear to me and I am ready to walk the way. I am ready. I feel it. This remaining time is simply a time of excellence. It is a time for me to tune up and sharpen my skills. I will use this time wisely, but I am ready to be free.