Foreboding Joy
Weekends are for visitations. Where I am located, visitors are allowed on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Most weekends I sit in the pavilion and watch families enter the building to see their incarcerated loved one. When the visit is over, the women come outside to wave a final goodbye to their families as they exit the campus.
Today was an extra special day for one of the women on my floor. At the start of lunch, we saw a woman approaching the building carrying a newborn baby. Ooohs and ahhhs filled the chow hall as we watched her enter. The baby rested so peacefully on her chest. The woman gave extra care and attention to the baby rubbing the baby's back and protecting the baby from falling out of her arms. We were all mesmerized. I can imagine that most of the women, like myself, were reminded of how we used to hold our children.
Later in the day, when I returned to my floor, one of the ladies was awfully happy. I could hear the excitement in her voice as she shared with the small group of women that she had a surprise visit from her family. Turns out it was her family that we saw entering with the baby. She was glowing as she spoke about how she was unaware that they were coming to see her. She was standing at her window looking out onto the yard when she saw a familiar car, and shortly afterward a familiar woman, who I learned was her sister, exited the car. When I say she was happy, that is an understatement. Her eyes were so bright as she told the story, and you could hear the elation in her voice.
As she told the story, I began to think about the day I will have my first visit. I headed back to my room and laid on my bed. I began to imagine my family approaching the building. I thought about my girls and how they would be somewhat anxious and confused at first but nonetheless dressed to the gods. I mean faces beat, hair laid, and clothes on point. All you would see are legs, hair, and BLING hunty. The real-life black Kardashians. I then thought about how excited I am going to feel. How I will probably jump up and down and run down the stairs to greet them. When I first got here, I said I did not want anyone to come see me in this hell hole. Well, that has changed. I want them here as soon as they can be and as much as they can be.
A little later in the day, one of my friends entered my room. I could tell she was upset, almost as if she had been crying. She then told me that she was not having a good day and was ready to go home. I asked her if she was triggered by seeing the surprise visit. She shook her head yes. I told her my thoughts as well and affirmed to her that her feelings were natural. She held back the tears as she talked about her family visiting. In the end, we agreed that the visits are important and helps with the separation anxiety and grieving process.
Fast forward to later in the evening, I entered the elevator. When the door opened, the woman who had the surprise visit appeared and I joined her in the elevator. I mentioned that I heard she had an exciting day. In her response, I heard a completely different tone. She was flat, almost sad. She then shared with me that she was having anxiety about her family traveling back home, amongst other things. I then shared with her a construct I learned from Brene Brown, foreboding joy. Many of us are on auto-pilot mentally. The moment we feel joy, we automatically begin to think of something negative. Brene used the example of how you watch your child sleeping and begin to bask in the indescribable love and beauty, and then those thoughts immediately switch to making sure that nothing happens to them. Foreboding Joy. She thanked me for sharing the information with her.
I am setting the intention to hold on to my joy. To savor it. To relish in every second of it. To pivot when the negative thought enters as quickly as possible. My gift to myself is to enjoy the JOY!
