Going Away Dinner

Every day it is more real. Last night I had a going away dinner with a few of my closest friends and favorite prison foods. We shared memories, laughed, and cried. They filled me up with their encouragement, stories of me, and kind words. It was good to be celebrated. The food and decor were also really cute and I am very appreciative to them all for taking the time out to show up for me.

I woke up this morning at 3 am. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. Everyone keeps asking me if I am anxious. I usually say no, but I think that is a lie because all of my behaviors point to anxiousness. I am eating way more snacks, especially sweets, biting my nails, and shaking my legs. Sometimes my bunkie has to point it out to me because I don't even realize that I am doing some of this. 

This morning, when I was in bed, I thought a lot about what I was actually anxious about. I think my biggest fear is going back to "business and usual." Meaning life going on as the "same old same old" with the only difference being that I am back in the free world. I don't want that. I want the changes that I have made on the "inside" to count and to matter. I do not want this entire part of my journey to be in vain. I want to live differently because I am different, and I want others to recognize and respect that. 

Yesterday, there was a Rolling Stone magazine on the trash can with Janelle Monae' on the cover. I was very interested in reading it because I think she is so dope. Of course, the article delivered many great jewels, but the main one was her urging people to "Hurry Up and Live." That is exactly what I plan to do. This experience has changed my perspective on time, peace, love, and what it means to be free. 

I came to prison to get free. I have no intention on being incarcerated in the free world.