How I Got Here
This morning I was speaking with my friend, just catching up as much as you can over a 15 minute phone call that eventually got cut off. I guess I forgot for a moment that I was on regulated time. I was in the middle of sharing with her that I finally have a board and put my pictures up this week. I intentionally place the board in a spot where I would have to pass by it each time I leave my room. When I told my husband about the pictures he replied that he knows that must be hard to look at daily. My response was that it is, but it is a reminder of the people I love and I think about all the things I will get to do with and for them when I get home. Well, this morning he replied that it's fine for me to think that, but I do not need to forget about me and what I want and that my loved ones need to support me in doing that.
Back to the call. My friend was sharing some moments that she was having. The conversation led to me sharing with her that I ABSOLUTELY MISS MY FAMILY! I have another friend who was incarcerated before and always reminds me to take advantage of where I am right now and to be unapologetically selfish aka SELF FULL! In here, although it seems like I have lost all of my privileges, I GET TO ONLY THINK ABOUT ME! I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. I get to stay up if I want, sleep in if I want, I do not have to worry about cooking, I only have to do my laundry, and clean MY room. It is literally all about me in here. The only thing I am really required to do is stand at my door a couple of times a day. As funny as it sounds. I AM FREE! Free to make whatever choices I WANT! This 'break'' was needed because I had lost myself in the need to please and to prove myself.
The other night I finally fully shared my story, meaning I did not just tell them what my crime was. I was basically sharing my business journey. I got to the part when I got involved in the situation that led me to being involved in my case. When I got in the shower after the conversation I began to process my story and I realized how I got here.
Briefly...I ran a successful and LEGITIMATE business with my now ex husband. Through that business we were able to provide a great life for our children and family. Well shit happens and our relationship led to a divorce. Shortly after the divorce the business was no longer as profitable as it once was, so we got out and basically transferred ownership to another company. In short, after all of this, I FELT LIKE I HAD FAILED. I failed in business, I failed my family, I failed in life, I FAILED ME. So when the opportunity presented itself for me to redeem myself, that is what I did, even though it was not in a legitimate way. Everything I did, every move I made was about proving myself worthy and "good enough." The relationship, the clothes, the degrees, the job...it was all about redemption. But here is the thing about redemption, when the intention behind it is out of integrity, so is the action. And it took me coming here, years later to see why I even felt like I needed to be "redeemed." The truth is, there was nothing to redeem. I was always enough. I was always worthy. And the only person's opinion that I really needed to care about was my own.
Now ain't this a bitch? All of this to discover all that I already was. And...I can't honestly say that I still do not struggle with this because I am. Daily, I struggle with what I want to do once I get out versus what I know people expect me to do. But, the beauty of doing time is just that…TIME. I have the time to sit with ME, when I WANT, and to allow myself to be set FREE!
