ICE ICE Baby

I haven't been blogging much lately. I have been dealing with a few things and just haven't been up to it. Also, nothing super exciting has been happening. Well, at least that held true until today. 

In federal prison, you just never know what to expect from day to day. Well, today was one of those days when the unexpected occurred. One of the young ladies who lives on my hall and works with me in the culinary events job was picked up by ICE. And just like that, she is gone. Wow! It is crazy. You just never know what will happen, who will be here, and who will be gone in a matter of moments. 

JC gave me a book, Living Fully, written by her friend Mallory Ervin. The book is an easy read and well written. I am a self-proclaimed book snob so that means a lot coming from me. I got to chapter 4 and was stopped in my tracks. The title of the chapter was Shiny Objects. The basic premise is that "shiny objects" are the things used to make us feel worthy and important. We, or I will say "I", dangle them in front of people to lure them in, to make them like us, and the things we feel make us valuable. I couldn’t continue with the book because I was stuck thinking about what my "shiny things" have been. For the author, it was her looks and talent. For me, I discovered through my process of unpacking that it has been my knowledge and ability to build. I have used that in the past to prove my worth, to show people what I could do for them versus letting them get to know me for who I am. A primary motivator for why I was doing this was to gain approval, love, and relationship. Truthfully, it was manipulative and rooted in "not enoughness". This is something I am still healing from, to be honest. I believe it is a part of the final part of my journey and my soul's cry to heal them one more time.