Month One - DONE
Today officially marks the end of month one of my twenty two month sentence. One month. Thirty days. It seems so short but so long at the same time. It would take a week to even type all my thoughts, feelings, and lessons. If you are just joining this blog, take a minute to look back and catch up on the journey.
So how did I spend my one month anniversary? Well, first I called my mom. Calls are still hard for me, along with video calls. My mom stated on our early morning call that she noticed that I was not calling as much. She felt that it is because I am getting busy. At first, I tried to concur, but then I began to tell her that I just did not like to call because the phone lines are so long. Well, that too was a partial truth. The other part that I did not get to tell her, but that I wrote in my journal, is that calls are hard for me because it forces me to come face to face with what I left behind. It is a reminder of my home, the love, my children, my parents, everything that I am currently away from. Calls force to me feel feelings that quite frankly I do not want to feel. The unresolved guilt that brings tears to my eyes every time I get off the phone. The pain and trauma of this experience that I am still processing. And that is the truth of why I do not call as much. I am hiding. Hiding from the guilt and shame. Hiding from my feelings. I hide behind the keyboard. Afraid to face my biggest critic: ME. So momma, if you are reading this, and I know that you will, that is the reason I do not call as much.
Nightly, I attend prayer at 8:30pm. We sing a hymn, pray, and there is short message. This is a really good way to end my day. Well, the other night the minister, who is from SC, said something that really stood out to me. She stated that every time someone in her case was indicted, they would mention her name in the newspaper or tv. She stated that hearing this over and over again was like pulling a band aid off a wound that was trying to heal. Well, that is exactly how I feel when I call. The wound of grief and separation gets pulled back. Just when I’d think it was healing, the band aid gets ripped away when I hear my loved one’s voices.
I am not sure this wound will heal as long as I am away from them, at least not the sadness of the separation. However, in writing this blog I realize that healing from the shame, guilt, and disappointment is absolutely necessary. How do I do this? Forgiveness. And that forgiveness is for me.
