No Woman No Cry
Yesterday was the first time I had seen the faces of my beautiful, beautiful daughters. I had to make special arrangements at work to take the video call. When I say work, I mean my fabulous kitchen job where I sweep and mop the floors in the cafeteria after lunch and dinner. You wanna talk about humbling. How the hell did I go from hiring janitorial staff to being Cinderella in a matter of 30 days? LOL. I digress. I walked to the terminal, logged in, and just shortly afterwards my screen switched from black to a live video of my daughters. My heart sank. Their smiles were huge, just like mine, and their eyes lit up, like kids at Christmas. See, the last time they saw me was at our tearful departure the night before my self-surrender. The camera then panned the room, and my youngest daughter and granddaughter entered the screen. And that’s when IT happened. IT are the tears that flowed so I could feel them running down my cheeks. IT is what I promised myself I was not going to do. But I could not hold it in, and honestly, I didn’t want to.
Time flew so quickly during the 25 minutes we were allotted. It actually seemed like the fastest 25 minutes of my life. That's the funny thing about time. That's why I know time is an illusion. When you are doing something you love, time passes so quickly. But, when it is something you don't want to do, like in my case walking on a treadmill, time creeps as slow as molasses dripping from a tree. I always tell everyone that I won the lottery with my kids and if there is nothing else in this world that I did right, it was them. One of the ladies who came in with me asked me which of my girls is like me and my response was "all of them. I see a part of me in all of them." Which is so true. They are my legacy. My hopes. My dreams. Those are my girls.
When the call was finished, I returned upstairs, still red in the face from crying. Someone asked me if I cried while I was on my video call and I said, "yes." She responded with, "Oh no, we can't let them see us cry. Mommy has to be strong." She walked away so quickly that I didn't have the opportunity to rebut. However, I knew that the rebuttal was not for her, but for me. I no longer feel the need to "be strong;” nor do I feel the need to hide my tears. I want my girls to see ME. All of me. Sad me, happy me, angry me, confused me, ALL OF ME. I spent so many years hiding and trying to make things work. Trying to keep them from seeing how I struggled to provide, or the heartache I felt from a breakup, or disappointment when things did not go my way. Although I thought I was protecting them, I realized I actually robbed them of the gift of truly experiencing their mother.
No more! I officially surrender and lay down my strong woman/mommy cape. I do not need it anymore. Instead, I choose an authentic and transparent woman/mommy crown, an adornment that signifies the power in feeling and honoring all of my emotions. Because when I allow my light to shine, I give others permission to do the same.
