You Got This Rosebud
Day by day, things are getting better. I am very excited about the upcoming video calls I will be doing with my family tomorrow. This will be the first time since I left my home that I have seen the faces of my girls or parents. And although I am excited, there is a part of me that is anxious and nervous. I am afraid of feeling the pain of missing them again. Truthfully, this is how I feel every time I call and hear someone's voice. It is a reminder of all that I left behind and that which I am missing. I think my most difficult calls are those I make to my momma.
Today, I was sitting outside with another lady, just before I was headed inside to make my daily call to my mom. I shared with her the joy I feel when my mother says my name. About a month ago I shared with my mother how much love I feel when she says my name. I know this might sound silly but, when I hear her say, "Sharita," my heart melts. There is so much love, compassion, hope, and excitement in her voice. Even as I am writing this, the tears are falling because I can hear her saying, "Hey Sharita!" Her greeting me makes me feel like the most important person in the world. I feel…seen. I shared with her recently how I love the way she says my name. She reminded me that her voice was the first voice I ever heard.
It was my mother’s voice that helped me to get this far. It was her voice that said all the right things at just the right time. It was hearing her say, "You got this Rosebud” (the nickname she called me the first time she laid eyes on me). All of the early mornings we would sit and talk, and she would encourage me to keep going. To get up. To keep moving forward. In my quiet times, I long for these moments with my mother and I miss them dearly. I hope that I have done enough to let my mother know how much her presence has meant to me. I want to take the time to cherish the moments that I am so blessed to still have with my mom. I pray every night that God keeps her healthy and at peace so that we have more time to share. I pray for more time to wake up early, before everyone in the house, and to just talk.
In the short time since I have been here, I’ve heard from so many women who are experiencing challenges in their relationships with their mothers and/or children. It is my deepest and most heartfelt intention to leave this place a better woman, a better mother, a better daughter. I want to be more present for myself, my girls, and my mother. One of my spiritual mothers once told me, "You aren't just teaching your girls to be great mothers, you are teaching them to be great women, and the best way to do that is to be a great woman yourself."
To live a little more. Laugh a little more. Play a little more. To BE a little more. This is my prayer.
Ase’
