You Have Not Because You Ask Not

Today, I was in conversation with three of the girls on my floor. For someone reason the topic of support came up and how they felt about people who did not support them through this journey. The overall consensus between them was that people knew what they were going through with their investigations, cases, incarceration, etc. but did not "do" anything to support them. Mainly the support that was discussed was financial. One said that she was not going to talk to some people once she got out because she felt like she shouldn't have to tell people she needed help, instead they should have just offered. Another stated that she hated when people said "let me know what you need" because they knew she had bills to pay, attorney fees, etc. My reply was, "Did you ask them or tell them what you needed?" Her response was, "no" and the other ladies agreed that they should not have to ask.

I realized in that moment that I did not share that philosophy or experience. MY TRIBE IS STRONG! And when I say strong I mean iron strong. And here is the thing, when they (my tribe) asked me what they could do for me at times I had no idea what to tell them, but when I did they came through. I remember even sending an email to one of my friends saying, "hey, you asked me what you could do to help me. Here is what I need for you to do." And in minutes it was done. During the conversation I quoted an old cliche’, "you have not because you ask not." There was a time that I was too proud to ask people for anything, but I have grown since then.

One of my professors in the PhD program used to say, "you teach people how to treat you." The key words are "you teach." It is unfair to ask someone to read your mind. It is unfair to hold someone to a standard that you have not made clear. And although we would love to believe the fantasy that someone loves us too much, they just know what we need, that is not always the case. Some people need clarity.

Doing time with a loved one is not easy on anyone. It is not easy on the families, the spouses, the children, the community, NO ONE. And unless you have had multiple stints in prison, the experience is often an unchartered territory that everyone is learning about together as you go along. When people would ask me what I needed, at the time I geniunely did not know because it was all new to me. However, when I did know, I did not hesitate to express that.

I am SO GRATEFUL for my tribe. For all the books, emails, acceptance of calls and video calls, prayers, blog maintenance, money, thoughts, and even the things I have no clue about. THANK YOU! This journey has not been easy and although it is not over I appreciate all that you have done, all that you are doing, and all that you will do. THANK YOU!