Time Is An Illusion
I was in the hall the other day and another inmate who has done several federal bids asked me when I was leaving. I responded and told her how many days I had left. Her reply to me, which is a common response when people either have a short sentence or when they only have a few days left, "You can do that on your head." I told her it seems like the end of my time is going by so slowly. Then she said something that really hit me.
Terrific Tuesday
I woke up early this morning in order to see my work wife off. She finally left, after 21 months. She was so, so happy. She had a little pep in her step. I can't believe my Gayle is gone. I already miss the fact that I can't just pop up in her room for an impromptu deep-dive conversation. Our boss, well her former boss, came into the classroom later in the day and asked me why I had a sad look on my face. I told him that I missed my friend.
Laser Focused
As the days roll by, it is becoming clearer that my time here is coming to an end. Although it was definitely not an experience that I desired when this all started, I am well aware that it is one that I needed. Throughout this process, I have been extremely selfish and focused on taking care of myself. For that, I am so grateful.
Prison Body
Today, I had a very interesting conversation with someone in the rec (recreation) department after inquiring about whether or not we had or could order resistance bands. I was told that the prison was not allowed to purchase any type of equipment which would increase or build upper body strength. This is because they do not want inmates to get too big and become hard to handle should they need restraining.
One Mile At A Time
This morning, while I was working out, I thought about something my old trainer told me. He said, "you aren't working out, you are training. There is a difference." I have readopted this mantra. I am not "working out" I am training for the next part of my journey. This mindset shift has dictated how I have moved all day.
Today Was A Good Day
Today, I also graduated from electrical class. I am not even going to lie, I have no idea what I am doing. LOL! Actually, I know just enough to be dangerous. There were a total of 10 of us who graduated. This class, like others that I have taken, was just a class for exploration. I have done that a lot here. I allowed myself to explore new things. In exploring electrical work, I realized that it is not for me; it is too technical. I am a creative. Some may say it was a waste of time, but it helped my time pass and I learned more about myself.
I’m Ready to Go!
I am bored and ready to go home. I am also lonely. I’m not lonely in the sense that there are no other people around me, but lonely because I am missing deep intimate connection and conversation.
Scammers Get Scammed
There are also a lot of people who prey on the fear of individuals who have caught cases. They make promises they cannot keep or charge ridiculous amounts of money for services that individuals could do themselves with a little bit of assistance. These so-called "consultants" are, in their own right, scammers and frauds who I believe, in some way, feel justified in defrauding individuals caught up in the federal court system. I was a victim of these predators myself, not once but twice.
A Reflection on Greatness
This morning has been so emotional for me. I have been thinking about greatness. It actually started about two days ago. I have been witnessing and hearing about toxic relationships, withholding of love, etc. Then today I woke up and saw three things that made me reflect on greatness. First, I saw a piece on ESPN about Fisk University's gymnastics team. They are the first HBCU to have one. Then I saw the UCA High School Nationals and the ESPN series on Michael Jordan-The Last Dance.
Incarceration & Relationships
I asked what was going on and, initially, they said nothing, which I later found out was not true. After a moment they told me to close the door and they proceeded to tell me that one of the girls found out that her live-in boyfriend had a baby since she was incarcerated. To make matters worse, there is a possibility that there is another child he may have fathered. She was devastated.
Happy Monday
Release dates and leave days are always bittersweet. They are filled with joy, excitement, anxiety, and more. However, every time someone receives a date or leaves I know that is one day closer for me!
Even More Eventful Friday
It seems like something happens every Friday. Besides it being the last day of March (whoop whoop) we of course received a visit from SIS (Special Investigative Supervisor). At the time I was in the computer room when I heard two officers come in and yell from another inmate, who was also in the tv room. As the officer walked away, I heard them say, "I don't want to put all your business out there so come with me." Of course this sparked the attention of others, including myself. However, it was not until later that I heard what happened. ALLEGEDLY, the inmate, who is 18, was caught receiving "a drop" which turned out to be suboxone strips on camera. There are also rumors that she is affiliated with gang activity.
Living Vision
I was so fortunate to attend IVISD (Inner Visions Institute of Spiritual Development) years ago and I still utilize many of the tools I acquired while I was there. One tool I have decided to use to support me in these efforts is to create a living vision. I am also blessed to still be in contact with individuals who have also been involved with IVISD in some capacity.
FSA Update AGAIN!
God loves me. There is no explanation why my date moved up more than others, except for the fact that I have favor on my life and this was a little reminder of that favor. I am so grateful for this journey, for His process. God has had His hands on me since the beginning and I live with an attitude of expectancy knowing that I will be taken care of.
Good Day Captain
Captain looked amazing; not just physically but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally as she walked through the gate. She looked FREE! Before she left Captain also gave each of us a letter and we were instructed not to open it until the moment that we realized she was gone. Well, that moment came from me when I got back to the building and looked over at the TV room and noticed she was no longer here.
Another Goodbye
Everyone is still waiting on the new FSA (First Step Act) update which is supposed to cause another round of immediate releases. The atmosphere here feels a little anxious as the wait continues. However, as always, we find humor in everything. There are some people who believe they will be immediately released once the credits hit. They have started clearing out their lockers, getting their hair done, and getting manicures and pedicures. It is entertaining to watch this whole thing unfold. And although I am curious to see the update, for myself and others, I always know that God's timing is perfect and when the doors are supposed to open for me, I will walk out.
Another Freaky Friday
Freaky Friday never seems to fail. Just when we thought we were going to smoothly head into a restful weekend, a van load of SIS (Special Investigative Supervisor) members rolls up to the camp. They have been on the hunt for these freaking cell phones for a while now and Superman (the head of SIS) will not be defeated.
The Best Birthday
Prison is really a microcosm of a macro outside world. In here we also create our own families, which mimic those on the outside. There are prison moms, wives, husbands, kids, etc. Of course, I too have joined in on the community and have a prison family.
Relax, Relate, Release
It is amazing how one thing can change so much in your life. I feel like the loss of my dad has shifted how I see life and it has also impacted how I am doing my time now. Because God's timing is always perfect, I was faced with the death of a loved one, dead in the middle of my sentence. This means I had about 7 months to heal in one way and I will take the next 6-7 to heal in a different way.
Cherish the Day
As soon as a new month would begin, I would already have my mind on the next month. I did not appreciate time. All of this changed when I found out my dad was dying. I wanted time to stop. I wanted to slow it down. I wanted for us to have as much time with him as we could. I even prayed that the day would never end.